Lots of midwives.

I am now the owner of a practice with FIVE wonderful midwives. This new reality has suddenly exploded at my feet in all its newness, challenge and opportunity. FIVE midwives.... what is going on at Lovers Lane Birth Center?
One is me: Dinah, owner and roll-with-it-midwife, mistress of the "And why not?" school of philosophy. Another is Adelle, second short, curly-haired, Jewish, middle-aged midwife type who is unfurling in the freedom and ambiguity of life away from the hospital. Third is Kristy, our modest, quiet,and gentle money-and-billing managing midwife. Fourth is Kristine, the amazingly able, get-it-all done office-organizer-midwife. And fifth is Anna, who has yet to begin but will find her own place in our roomy birth center, bringing with her her life with her chickens, her garden her nearly centenarian live-in grandma, her still breastfeeding youngest and her 100-mile-running spouse (now that sounds intriguing doesn't it?)
I'm thinking about subsuming our feelings and being open to our clients wishes, learning and growing as midwives and as people from that. But, at the same time our own feelings matter, our boundaries and comfort zones move over time but they do define us as people and our midwifery practices. We midwives are works in progress. So is the birth center. And so are our clients and their families.

I'm in a positive vortex!

Yesterday had a sort of wildness. Seeing prenatal visits, my 3 o'clock appointment, N, appeared at 9am just as I was about to see my 9 o'clock appointment. The 9 was J, a former client in a intense state of distress. I knew her well. She had all her babies with me. She is on a quest for the stable family life that she and her sisters never had. How hard to make that work when you don't really know what it feels like. It was crumbling again. She was in for STD testing. I can provide the testing but the challenges remain. Meanwhile N, who is 37 weeks along, is in the waiting area with her 15 yr old son. She says her water broke at 4 in the morning and she is contracting. She had not called me. As she drove herself to the birth center and was sitting calmly on the sofa with scarcely a labored breath, I thought it might be a while. I gave J a hug and ushered N into my office.
As N sat opposite me, describing her night, I noticed that she didn't look quite the same as she had 10 minutes earlier in the waiting area. She was definitely beginning to work a little. Hmmm. Maybe not an obvious send-back-home. We walked to the birth room and I checked her: 3cms, completely effaced, zero station. "What about a walk in the park with the ducklings?" "Good idea" she said and off she went.
So I went into my office to see my 10 o'clock appointment. This was B, past her due date, blood pressure rising, baby persistently posterior: that's the mom who should be in labor. Oh well, she is thankfully stable and doing OK.
Meanwhile N cannot focus on the ducklings. Things are more serious. It is now 10:15 and we need to get her husband here from work ASAP. N labored standing and swaying. Then she labored kneeling with strong pressure on her back. Then she lay down on her side and things got really strong. It was 10:45. Her husband and sister were at her side. My wonderful assistant, Kristine was there to help and N was feeling pressure. As she pushed a little for the first time, we asked her if she wanted to get into the tub. By the next push she was kneeling in the water and 2 pushes later her sweet little girl swam through her legs and into her arms. Her baby opened her eyes and stared at her mom in that perfect state of entrancement that only a newborn has. Kristine and I kept an eye on them for a bit and then they went home in time for me to see my 2:30 and 3:30 appointments. Life is good!
Last night I slept well. Adelle worked seeing prenatals today. Usually I do come into the birth center on my days off for a bit. Because as I said on a prior post, the birth center is my baby. So in the afternoon I went in to touch base with my baby. Imagine my surprise. Adelle had a mirror day to mine. In between her appointments a client came in in labor. She was also a little early and somewhat unexpected. She showed up 9 cms along and slid out her teeny little baby who hollered and nursed just like the big ones.
Our team at the birth center has undergone a lot of change lately: trying to find the right midwives, the right office help, the right birth assistants, has been very bumpy. But I am feeling almost ecstatic. The midwives are right. The new and perfect office team will be completed tomorrow, and the 2 regular birth assistant (who are also incidentally the office team!) are fabulous. I am in a positive vortex. 
While Kristy, who had assisted at the birth, helped to clean up and see the family safely out the door, I chatted with J who had a prenatal visit with Adelle: "definitely in a positive vortex today" I commented. "I can feel that" said J.

After the birth drought

It is weird the way births come in droves and then...... nothing. Heard that it's the moon, or that it's the weather. Maybe..... I'm sort of more of the thought that my mamas and their babies are somehow communicating with each other. That's really what it feels like.

It was just over a week ago when my last birth drought ended. I had been feeling typically antsy, just the way a birth drought makes me feel, when L, a fourth time mamma called. L was having her fourth boy ("Oh well, that's just the way it's supposed to be, I guess" she philosophized). Her first birth had been a typical, rather unpleasant hospital business. Her second, at a birth center, had been a miraculous revelation. Birth could be quick, smooth, energizing, wow! She and I had expected the same with number three. It was an uncomplicated water birth like the second.... but L found it more challenging than the second (ever heard the midwifery chestnut about the jinx of the third birth?) (Actually, I don't believe it at all). As she labored for the fourth time, L kept looking up at me "This is really hard, I can't do this" she hollered again and again. I worked with her, but she struggled. The baby slid out into his father's hands. L was relieved and happy. L accepted that that was the way it was supposed to be.... but I didn't understand it.

That thursday morning. I saw people for prenatal visits through the afternoon, and was pretty tired by the end of the day. That evening D called. She is a first time mother who thought her water had broken. No contractions. Nearly 42 weeks! OK. Went to bed later than I should have done (always).

Middle of the night, a phone call. D? No! S! S is having her second baby. Her husband's grandfather died and he left town to go to the funeral. We had had a conversation a few days earlier about what to do. She was 38 weeks along. Should she go too and risk having the baby in some random hospital in Lubbock?! She could stay behind and risk going into labor without her husband?! As we thought she would probably not have the baby anyway, it was of course, a purely theoretical discussion. (I always feel like babies are going to stay in,.... until they decide to come out). Well, S was in labor. The birth of S's baby was textbook beautiful. She eased her out gently, reaching down to catch her as she came out of the water. What joy. But sadly, the baby's loving Dad was present only on the end of the telephone. I suppose that was the way it was supposed to be too.

Home by 4am and up before 8 to do interviews and tour of the birth center. (I act kooky and delirious when I do tours in that state). D was having occasional contractions but was not in labor. By the 24 hour mark I was wondering if she'd been mistaken. Maybe her water hadn't broken. So we met up at the birth center at 7pm. Sterile spec and litmus paper left no doubt. Water broken. Discussed options. Decided that to go to the hospital in the evening and get induced all night didn't make sense. We'd sleep on it, keep an eye on her temperature and hope for some real contractions overnight. In the night they called a couple of times convinced that the baby was flying out the exit. I was glad their was some action but wasn't convinced. Early morning we met up. She seemed to be laboring pretty well! But, she was only 2 cms and it was now 36 hours after water breaking. Baby sounded good. No fever. But..... it was time for the hospital. So, off we went, tearful but resigned. Helped her get settled in. Baylor really is a pretty supportive place (as those places go).

Home for lunch and relax (!) a little and then C called. Now C has been feeling that she is in labor for most of the last month (or so it seemed) But all pregnancies do come to an end, and her moment had arrived. So off we went. C screamed "It hurts". She screamed "I want this to stop" She screamed "I want Mommy". I was right next to her and the screams were exploding in my head. Now I write this in my blog because it's true and that was how C labored. I may put some people off. I will tell you that VERY few women scream like that. Most moan. Many shout. Some holler. But very few women scream and keep it up. But that was birth for C. That was the way it was supposed to be for her I suppose. And her sweet baby came out too. And she stopped screaming and held her close.

And I went home to bed. Ready for another birth drought.

I am my oatmeal

I have nutty oatmeal with creamy whole milk from happy cows and half a juicy pink grapefruit for breakfast. I can feel myself turning into a bowl of oatmeal! I eat a bowl of white bean and kale soup and a sweet crisp apple for lunch. I am a white bean. I sit at home after work nursing a cup of tea and crunching a piece of grainy toast with half a banana on it. I am a piece of toast. I eat brown rice with veggies and garbanzo curry for dinner. I am a bowl of curry, spicier by the moment.

Yes, you know the phrase "you are what you eat". Remember, it is literally true.

My oatmeal rumbles around in my tummy and mixes with my digestive juices and begins the biochemical process of becoming me. My hair, my toenails, my lungs, my uterus, are my oatmeal.

Please think about that the next time you have a Big Mac.

Do you choose Submission or Joy?

Submission or Joy is a phrase from a novel I am reading about the 1930s in Mexico. It has nothing to do with childbirth in the context in which I read it. But it resonated with me immediately.

Do you choose to give birth in the hospital? Do you choose to submit your body, your baby, your birth to their requirements, to their meaningless and sometimes brutal, arbitrary and patriarchal rule? Giving birth is a political act. You must not submit, but give birth joyfully, as a political act of love. Take charge, act politically, give birth joyfully.

Walking is Life

I used to be a city planner. Really. Not for long. The work was boring. But I believe that where we live influences how we live and that affects our health and wellbeing. When the places we live in are designed for our natural human scale they support healthy people. We are walking animals. We walk to get food. We walk in our working lives. We walk to learn. We walk to live. So places that facilitate walking, that are walkable, are more healthful places to live. Sadly the Dallas suburbs do not facilitate a walking lifestyle. But it can be done.

When I suggested that walking to the park might be a good and pleasant way to get some exercise, Lori explained that she couldn't do that. She is afraid of dogs. When I suggested the same to Catherine she said that she was afraid to go out without her husband, who works long hours and can't accompany her. These two pregnant women are not alone. I hear these kind of fears often. What a strange, crazy and unhealthy world we live in when we are too scared to go for a walk.

I am happy to say that a month later, Catherine told me that she was able to overcome her fear and she had taken a 10 minute walk to Starbucks. She called her husband from the store and he couldn't believe she had done it! She was empowered. She is planning to walk to Starbucks every day. More power to you Catherine. You can do it too Lori.

Birth: As many attitudes as there are women

For me giving birth for the first time was ecstatic and transformative. I thought that natural birth could be like that for every woman every time. But now I know, giving birth is as varied as we are. It can be unbelievably challenging, exhilarating, orgasmic, scary, cool, tiring, energizing, calm, wild, beautiful, crazy.

Renee has had three babies naturally before, all home or birth center births. She is committed to having her babies that way. She believes in it. She knows her body can do it..... but that doesn't make her like it! In the middle of birth number four she turns to me...."Dinah, remind me why I don't want an epidural" She wants a rational evidence-based answer that will strengthen her commitment to the process. I remind her that epidurals interrupt her body's production of endorphins which will give her that wonderful post-birth high and also help her recover easier physically. I remind her that epidurals lower blood pressure which can cause decelerations of the baby's heart which could lead to a c-section. "Thank you" she responds rationally and returns to her contractions. A little later she gives birth, beautifully connecting with her newborn girl (the first after 3 boys) and smiling with that post-birth high thanks to those useful endorphins.

But not every woman feels like Renee.

Sarah admits to me sheepishly during a prenatal visit "People think I'm crazy, but honestly, I love giving birth. I'd do it 50 times if I could" Don't be shy of feeling that way Sarah! Shout about it. You are not the only one who loves it. I vividly remember Mary rocking on all fours on her bedroom floor "Here comes another one," she hollered, "Bring it on!"

But not every woman feels like Sarah or Mary. There are all sorts of women and babies and all sorts of labors and births. Natural births are different from each other just as we are.

Mothers Naturally. Great videos

Mothers Naturally is the consumer/mothers, section of the Midwives Alliance of North America. MANA is a powerful organization that keeps the flame burning for midwives of all kinds to continue to practice and serve all women in the way that they want to be served without succumbing in any way to the the medical establishment.

I recommend that you sample their new batch of youtube videos especially the ones about fear and about the role of the midwife. Here is the link

http://www.mothersnaturally.org/videoSeries/index.php

Enjoy!

Exciting changes

I am ashamed.... No posts for months.....

But today is a good day to reconnect with my blog and its little band of followers. I have been buried in my life and now I am ready to re-emerge. For those of you (like D'Arcy) who thought I was off to distant places with Doctors Without Borders.... Well, I'm not, or at least not yet....

I had thought that as my sons leave home, and my nest becomes empty, it was time for me to move on and out.... but I forgot, how could I? I have 4 children, my sons, Amos, Ethan and Daniel and my fourth, my midwifery practice.

Of course.

How can I abandon my youngest child? I have to strengthen it and prepare it for the next phase of my life. So I have taken on Adelle. Adelle and I will share the midwifery practice. We will support our clients and each other and that will create more sanity and invigorated midwifery care. I may even add another midwife next year and then when my 4th baby is ready, I will be able to begin the next phase of my life.

Adelle and I share a lot but bring our uniquely different life stories to the practice. I am excited! Lovers Lane Birth Center is not me. It is the unique combination of the women and families that it serves and those who support them. It is growing and I am proud.

gaining insights from the dentist

My dentist, Dr Kadosh, is fabulous! He loves peering into mouths just like I love babies growing inside of mothers and then sliding out. He loves talking about it too. He talks a lot and he has a captive audience. I lay back, focusing on the relaxing outbreath like a birthing mother. Dr Kadosh pokes around in my mouth with a rather unpleasant, picky little tool, and he talks. He waxes enthusiastically about how he can read a person's health in her mouth, her self-care, her diet. The pink, vascular tissue of the mucous membranes tells all.
Of course, I love his insight and I love his enthusiasm, but I think that the mouth is just a small part of the story. How much more so do pregnancy, labor, birth and postpartum reveal a person, the health of a mother, her baby, her whole family? During their pregnancies, many women increase their health and their babies' health. by eating with love. Many increase their health and the health of their babies by becoming confident and knowledgeable parents. Labor and birth experienced with support and confidence will also increase their health in. A strong mother will parent healthfully and carefully and with strength. The postpartum period, a sensitive time will flow easier from that empowered mother. That's health.

Midwifery is political

Becoming a midwife was not for me a process with any political intent. Giving birth naturally and becoming a mother were transformational. I wanted to facilitate that process for others and to be transformed again in the process. And so it is. But it turns out that midwifery is political. It can't help it.
Venezuela has passed a law against "Obstetric Violence" which it defines as:
"....the appropriation of the body and reproductive processes of women by health personnel, which is expressed as dehumanized treatment, an abuse of medication, and to convert the natural processes into pathological ones, bringing with it loss of autonomy and the ability to decide freely about their bodies and sexuality, negatively impacting the quality of life of women..."
I have no idea if law suits have been brought by women as a result of this law. I hear there "are no midwives in Venezuela" (excuse me, there are midwives everywhere).
Could we ever dream of passing such a law? Are we so disempowered that such a law concerning the basic rights of women would be laughed out of Congress before it was written? I challenge American women to write such a law. Who is up for it?

A few days away

Thinking about my pregnant mammas. I am about to go away for a few days. I am going on a trip with my youngest son, Daniel. It will be fun and I am looking forward to it. I am also anticipating the release of pressure that comes from not being on call for a bit. But I am sad that the babies who are due will not wait for me. I really do love my clients, all of them. But it's an odd sort of love. We have a close and special but professional relationship, then the story of this particular pregnancy and birth and postpartum is over. We are done.
The mammas chose me to be there for them during their pregnancies and births. I am honored that they chose me and happy. But I know and they know, that the power and the magic is independent of me. A confident woman, supported by any midwife, will give birth.
I know that for me, my Daniel must come first and for them, their births will happen the way they happen, Dinah or no Dinah.
Goodbye for a bit, moms and babies, back soon.

Pressing buttons.

If there's one thing that presses my buttons, it's women who blame themselves for everything.
It is the other side of the nourishing, mothering thing. A mother gives of herself as she is pregnant gives birth and as she mothers, and then when anything goes wrong, she blames herself. More specifically, when birth doesn't go the way a woman had hoped, she often blames herself. "If only I had held out and not had the epidural, I might have not ended up with the C-section" (She forgets that it's a set-up, not her "fault" at all)
I listened yesterday to a woman who told a birth story in which she was being attended by a midwife and giving birth naturally "I wish I had coped better" she said, blaming herself. But, upon eliciting the whole story, I hear that the midwife was in the other room during her labor, having given her a dose of nubain to "help her rest". She would doze and then wake up every few minutes unprepared for the massive power of labor with nobody who understood how to help her at her side. Her huband was unprepared and her mother prayed anxiously. The midwife appeared when it was time to push. I cringe to hear that story. How can she blame herself. I want to shout "BLAME THE MIDWIFE". But, out of loyalty to my sister midwives, and because, I suppose outward turning anger would probably be as unproductive as self-blame, I just focus on stressing that "NO, this is NOT your fault. You were in just as much a "situation" as the woman with the epidural in the hospital"
For most women, giving birth naturally requires support, nothing fancy, not necessarily TENS machines, or medication, doula or midwife gimmicks, just loving, confident support.
Pretty simple really.

Saving humanity with birth!

Women are lucky. We can embody nature, change, new life. We are impregnated, we grow and we are one and two at the same time. Then we labor and give birth, embodying the process of nature in a way that men cannot do. Male and female, we all are born, grow, live and die. But lucky women can sense nature and life in a more profound way. We embody it. In the processes of pregnancy, labor, birth and breastfeeding we are the cycle of nature.
Through our experience, our embodiment, our understanding of natural pregnancy, labor, birth, breastfeeding, mothering, we can touch this hard, metal, concrete, mechanistic world and influence a return to common sense.
Trusting your body and giving birth naturally empowers you to trust yourself as a parent, to parent intuitively as you gave birth intuitively. Giving birth naturally empowers women to parent with love as we gave birth with love. And the children we parent with love and trust in nature, will love and trust in nature themselves. They are those who will live life honestly and with respect for themselves and those around them.
This is not a self-indulgent thing that we do when we give birth naturally. This is a step in the saving of humanity.

A long labor

A long labor can be very laid back but have a certain tension at the same time. A long labor the other day. A lot of hanging out: midwives snacking, mother snacking a little, father dozing, mother moaning, mother resting, midwives gossiping, father massaging, doula pumping milk(!), midwives wondering, mother swaying. Midwives wondering. There is a certain intensity to the wondering and the helping and the evaluating that we do. There is even a certain tension to the studied calmness. And then, of course things develop and the mother is pushing and then the baby is visible and the release of tension and excitement is huge. And then the baby slips out into his father's arms with his crazy long head and his big cry and it's all messy and the relief and the release are immense. That's the way it is sometimes.

midwifery's ripples

Sometimes I think, a little disheartened, "How can a few natural births in a corner of Texas change this overwhelming world order?" I hope that the ripples outward from every woman who feels strengthened in her natural instincts, in her common sense and in her self confidence, by becoming a mother and by giving birth naturally will touch the world. Scientific rationalism, corporate power and a technological (sorry) male view, are so strong..... But the ripple of biological mothering instincts are persistent. I am optimistic. I know that there is really no choice for a human future on earth besides the force of nature from which we spring. It's only common sense!

How are you feeling? And I repeat back to you

A prenatal visit begins with "How are you feeling?" No, that's not true, a prenatal visit begins with sitting comfortably face to face.
Then, "How are you feeling?" I ask. A pregnant woman answers "Good.... tired." Then, with a sigh, "The baby moves like crazy and then I can't sleep and then I have to get up to pee". I respond by repeating back "You're uncomfortable and not sleeping well....". "Yes, I'm tired of this pregnancy. It's getting old". "Oh dear, you are feeling impatient" I am just repeating back and not putting words in her mouth, but we have moved from the simple, often insoluble physical challenges of pregnancy, to the attitude, state of mind sorts of things about which we really have more control.
Later she says "And now my mom has decided that she's coming for the birth." "How do you feel about that?" "Well of course I love my mom and she really wants to be here but I thought it was just going to be me and Chris". "Your mom wants to be here but you visualize the birth differently," I repeat. "Yes, but it's really important to her to be here, I think. She's really excited about it" She is focusing on her mother's feelings not her own, so I will bring her back to her own. "Yes, but what do YOU think about her plan to be here?"
Repeating what my client says to me is a simple tool that creates connection. And the connection that I mean is not between me and my client, it is between the client and her own feelings. When she feels something and says it, she feels it more and then when I says it back to her, she feels it even more. And the more she feels it, the more she gets it, the more she learns and finds solutions.
My clients know the magic tool that I have on my window sill. It's a spiral-bound flip-book called "The Pocket Midwife" It is a book of perfect affirmations for pregnant women. At the end of the visit they flip it open at random and magically the message is perfect for that moment. A woman who is past her due date and fed up will get "I am patient and composed" A woman who is anxious about the birth process will flip to "My body knows exactly what to do" A woman who is feeling overwhelmed may turn to "I ask for and receive what I need" The woman reads the message out loud. There is power in speaking things out loud. There is power in repetition. The pregnant woman leaves the prenatal visit strengthened and empowered, a feeling that will be expanded upon as she experiences labor, birth, breastfeeding and mothering.

Hope on a beautiful spring day

Went to the The Heard Museum in McKinney. It was the end of the day and the light was sharp and clear. I walked a few minutes on the trail and was quickly alone. I walked along the boardwalk that takes you out into the wetlands. Bare trees were emerging from the water into the bright sky and huge birds sweeping across the swamp. The natural world must be preserved and can be restored. The people who, in hope and commitment, have worked to restore this place, are like the women who believe in the way that our bodies work, and are committed enough to give birth naturally. They are the hope of humanity on this beautiful planet.

The thorny topic of Birth and the God thing

I'm going to dive into this potentially very thorny topic. Birth and the God thing.
Pregnant women have an aura about them. Their sensitivity is all over their beautiful bodies. Their specialness could be called sacred. The moment of birth is unique in its power. It demands honor and respect, and also awe. You might call it a moment of holiness. For many, feeling this truth leads directly to their faith, a specific faith, and for many it does not. The power, the holiness the awe, the sacredness of it all are real whether you are believer (Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Wiccan, Zoroastan) or an atheist.
So, when a client asks me about my faith, my beliefs, I answer. But I do not like the question. This is not only because this question for me is very personal, at least as personal as my political opinions, but more because the client usually wants to gauge my sensitivity to the spiritual aspects of birth, and I do not think that religious belief and being in tune with the spiritual are necessarily connected. Does not an atheist woman sense equally the power of the moment of the birth of her child as the woman of strongly held religious belief? Of course.
I respect the power of giving birth and I respect the women giving birth enough to know this.

Getting through a transport

If this is a truthful blog about Dinah's Days and Nights, gotta talk about transports. Transports are shit. Transports are really hard. Transports have to happen.
Last week, a first time mother, (and yes, it is usually a first time mother or a VBAC) labored the way first time mothers labor..... A couple of nights of irritating contractions keeping her from resting well, phone conversations and suggestions about ways to get through it and then a meeting at midnight at the birth center. On the phone things sounded good..... she was not exhausted, contractions were consistent, low down in her belly and she sounded like she was coping well. She arrived with her husband, excited and rolling withthe labor..... looking good. I examined her. Cervix completely effaced, 0 station and 3 cms dilated. A nice little bulgey bag of water and baby in a perfect left occiput anterior position....... couldn't be better. 3 cms at midnight, mmmmm. I really wanted her to rest because clearly there would be a lot of work ahead. She lived 40 minutes away. I didn't really want her to drive there and back again in labor, but I've made the mistake too many times before of keeping a 3cm laboring mom at the birth center. Frequent result: exhaustion despite best efforts. C and her hub were happy to head home with a bottle of skullcap and some rest ideas. I went home to rest myself (in theory). Of course with a mom in early labor and menopause plaguing with its nighttime habits, I didn't sleep.
At 4 o'clock, the expected call came. I could hear C in the background loudly moaning and I hopped into the car. She sounded hot and heavy. I ran into the birth center thinking "I knew this was going well" and filled the tub. She was going to arrive almost in transition and would need the water right away....... But you know the end of this story so you know that is not what happened. In she came huffing and hollering........... "Aaaaaah I can't I can't this huuuuuurts" More mmmmmmm. Not good. Birthing a baby requires the "Bring it on" attitude not the "I can't it hurts" attitude.
I checked her: Completely effaced, 0 station and....... still 3 cms with NO bulgey bag of water...... So if you've been to a few births you know what had happened.... yes, water broke on the way home and baby turned posterior....... Oh lordie. This kind of deal requires huge stamina: Mother stamina, spouse stamina, midwife stamina.,.... and it requires motivation: mother motivation, spouse motivation, midwife motivation. So we worked VERY HARD. We worked on motivation. We worked on stamina and we worked on rolling that baby to the front. All of us worked very hard. Knee chest push that baby up and encourage her to turn. Lunge with the left leg. Lunge with the right leg. Dance with the hips rolling. Walk up and down the stairs. Pulsatilla. Aconite. Gelsemium. All these had their parts to play. From 6am to noon C progressed from 4cms to 5 cms and this was not looking good.
When it was time to go, C cried, her huband cried and off we went. At the hospital, wires, tubes and more tears. I stayed at her side in the hospital till at 4pm she got an epidural and it was time to rest. Home discouraged, disappointed, exhausted. That's transports.
After a transport it is easy to self blame, to feel that you are the only midwife who gets transports; that another midwife could have done differently, better; to feel guilty.I know that it is right to think through what happens after every birth whatever the outcome, but especially the transports: How did that happen? What can I learn from this? But at the end of the day, a midwife can't go on if she blames herself. In fact there is something egotistical about self-blame, like the midwife is the center of everything that happens. I must remember that I have a part in the birth story but I am not the cause of most things that happen at a birth.
Being a midwife involves learning to live with transports.
By the way, by 3am, C was still at 8 cms and ended up with a C-section. She, her husband, and her baby, are doing OK.